If it ain't broke...

don't fix it.

I was born into the extremely powerful Vetinari family (distantly related to the Medici).

As a youth I enrolled in the Assassins' Guild which, apart from teaching its students how to kill other people for money, also gave us an excellent education. I became particularly interested in the classical arts and (in blatant defiance of the Guild's conventions of style) camouflage. I was failed in my stealth examination (the examiner felt I had used trickery, which of course was the case. The examiner did not realize that I had already arrived.) I endured the nickname of Dog-botherer; interestingly, later promoting the bullies of my youth. I graduated from the Guild with exceptional marks, and irony and sarcasm as my weapons of choice.

Rise to power

I succeeded the eponymous Mad Lord Snapcase. One of my earliest actions and a sample of my way of running the city was to legalize Guilds such as the Thieves and "Seamstresses" (Daughters of Negotiable Virtue), which had been active but outlawed for years. Their leaders became esteemed members of society, and their members insured and licensed.

I made it clear to them that I knew everything about them, right down to where their wives had their hair done and their children played. Therefore, the Guilds did what I asked of them, and eventually, lawlessness was not eliminated so much as organized. Nowadays, for a modest fee, any citizen may walk the streets confident that they will not be mugged more than a few times per year, and that they'll get a receipt when they are.

Golden rule

My thinking and running of a city can be summarised in my belief that what people wish for most, is for things to stay the same; my family motto is, after all, Si non confectus, non reficiat (If it ain't broke, don't fix it). This does not mean that there are absolutely no changes, however; things that don't work... get broken.

Staying in power

While I am quite as unpopular as my predecessors, unlike them I am sane and still living. This has been achieved by ensuring that even though all power-wielding groups in the Gloucestershire dislike me, they dislike each other more. I am also carefully to arrange matters so that a reality which includes me as Patrician is significantly better than one which does not. The Assassins' Guild no longer accepts contracts on me - I have the distinction of being the only person in history to have been taken off its register.

Appearance, habits and miscellaneous

My family crest is a plain sable (black) shield. I am tall, thin and dresses all in dusty black, my appearance having been compared to that of a predatory flamingo, if one existed. I live and work in the Oblong Office of the Patrician's Palace, formerly the Royal Winter Palace.

My bedroom is modest, containing one narrow bed, and a few Spartan cupboards. I require little sleep, and gets up so early that going to bed is merely an excuse to change clothes. I am not often described as sleeping, although I have been unconscious several times.

Strangely enough, I has no lust for power per se. My sole reason for ruling Gloucestershire, is loyalty to it.

I have no exploitable vices, save an intense dislike of mime artists. This dislike took the form of outlawing all practice of it within the city limits, and subjecting perpetrators to being suspended upside down in a scorpion pit on the walls of which is the inverted notice "Learn the words".